Bre and Max Barnaby

Written by Bre Lee, Part 1 of a 2-part story

Letting go, and living in a place of trust is a prerequisite for living in the space of grace and joy. I recently went through yoga teacher training, and one day at home, as I practiced I had a realization. If I didn't hold on to tension within my body, there wouldn't be a need to work toward alignment, everything would naturally align without effort. I instantaneously understood that life off of the mat must be the same. I must learn to live in the space of grace.

I had known that in all honesty, I broke my promise to Max. The day that I picked him up from the alfalfa farm I knelt before that feisty little tyrant and told him that I had heard his cry for help. That I knew he was a healer and that I was going to help him be that. I knew that, like me, he wore a tough outer shell to protect that little massive heart from being trampled by the world. His name was Shadow and as we drove home that day, our hearts stepped out of darkness. I gave him the name Max Barnaby, it means Greatest Comforter. We were that for each other as we moved along our merry little way, healing and growing, and I intended on that forever. But then one day, after a course of events, I knew in my heart it was going to be a long time before I was ready to move into the world of healing with horses. As per usual, I wore that understanding on my sleeve, almost to the point of grieving, as letting go is sometimes, most of the time, very hard to do. Max understood exactly what I did, as he always did. And he made it very clear to me that to make him wait for me was to only imprison him, to put him back into the shadow. How dare I? I couldn't. I wouldn't. 

So I cried. A lot. And then I let go. And prayed. And every time that I prayed Diana and Fire Horse Ranch came into my heart and filled it warmth and comfort. So I waited. Two weeks. Maybe three. I mean, after all, I could change … right? I could make myself morph. I could take the reins of this situation and control the heck out of it … right? Well, that tyrant part of Max that I first met came back. He was mad, hurt, angry and betrayed. I became a cheap trick and he went back to Shadow. Mortified is the word that comes to mind as I think back to that day. I was crippled and felt like the worst friend a person could be. How selfish I had been. How clingy and deceitful. I made some phone calls and some dear souls came forth to help me with him for some time until I could 'figure out what to do' …. AS IF I DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW! Anyhow, he was safe and momentarily content. So I went back to praying, and soul searching, and asking, and praying. And what did I get? More pictures of Diana and her happy little healing palace and all those warm fuzzies. If you sensed a little bitterness here, well there was, at the time. Why couldn't I HAVE THAT?! BE THAT?! Wasn't THAT what I was working for? Why did I have to be PATIENT?! Why did I HAVE to LET GO? Well two weeks of that went by and I didn't understand. I didn't get it and I certainly found zero logic (knowing full well that grace was often non-sensical and messy). So finally, again, I let go and called Diana, nervous, shaking and feeling like I was about to lose a portion of my heart. 

Welcoming excitement and a spontaneous yes is what I received. Fire Horse Ranch was looking for a new partner and was hoping for one in a small package. Of course. (Dang.) No, no, just kidding, no dang. Instantaneously, ALL of my sorrow was gone. Joy moved in. I couldn't be more relieved, more thankful or more fully rewarded for my 'work'. This was full on, busting my butt in overdrive, soul searching that required me to do the unthinkable and … trust mySelf … the Higher One … and let go. Let go of what should have been, could of been or used to be, and be present in my life now. That's it. No more, no less. Completely. With nothing to do, or undo. Utter gratitude is what I have to express.

So looking at life now, having let go of a little piece of my heart, I see that I am wrapped in a patchwork quilt that has been sewn together with love. Just as one piece of my heart is shared with another, I receive a new piece to put in its place. These pieces are named Grace. And here’s the kicker: the more I let go, of the shoulds and coulds, the more grace I receive; the more that I feel that happy little healing palace inside of me. To claim witness to the boundless and unthinkable ways that life aligns in the space of Grace, is nothing short of Divine Joy! It’s beautiful.

Read Part 2: And Then There Were Three

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